Author: N. Danilava
Let me ask you a question. How often do you feel sorry for yourself? Oh, I almost see your faces grimacing in aversion. Okay. Let me rephrase. How often do you exercise sympathy toward yourself? What is it with self-compassion that it's rather easier to feel sorry for somebody else but you? And yet research suggests that self-compassion is a key element to well being. “We feel that self-compassion is an important human strength as it invokes qualities of kindness, equanimity, and feelings of inter-connectedness, helping individuals to find hope and meaning when faced with the difficulties of life.” (1)
And its importance not just a millennial trend, research showed that “self-compassion was strongly associated with well-being among adolescents as well as adults.” (2) “Self-compassion and mindfulness were positively associated with resilience and inversely associated with burnout.” (3) So, lack of self-compassion leads to the lack of resilience, the lack of resilience leads to burnout and various psychological problems. “When things go wrong for people, those who are self-critical, compared to those who self-reassure, are at increased risk of psychopathology.” (4)
So, let me ask you again, when is it appropriate to be self-compassionate? When you're dying, right? Oh, not even then?...
Why is it this way with people? Maybe it's somewhere in the upbringing? How often have you heard from a parent, “Honey, it's a proper time to be sympathetic to yourself”? Me – never. I should be everything: tough, hardworking, obedient, respectful, reliable, loyal, and never should I ever feel sorry for myself. Sorries are for wusses. No parent taught me when was a time to cry just a little bit for myself. When it's appropriate to say to yourself – “Bud, it's been tough on you, hold on.” So maybe that's one part of a problem.
“Self-compassion entails being kind toward oneself in instances of pain or failure; perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience; and holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness.”
Second, our notion of an adult human being. You should be nothing but strong and adamant. The only emotions allowed are the positive ones. Smile, and be your own Superman, or Ironman, or whatever. Isn't that strange? There's no room for feelings when you're frustrated or hurting, or grieving. Because it’s a weakness. Not even a tiny bit, not even for one single tear, not even when you whacked your finger with a hummer. You're allowed to be angry though. Like anger is an emotion of strength! (irony on my part here)
And yet somehow we're supposed to take care of ourselves. Care about our bodies, relationships, careers, even dreams. Suddenly. Not having that tiny moment of self-compassion when we need one, how are we supposed to take care of ourselves for the rest of the time? It's perfectly fine when someone else expresses compassion toward you. That's - appropriate. That’s perfectly fine. But what if you have no one? What if you stay in a bad relationship just to have a chance for a tiny bit of sorrow, which, of course, in a bad relationship is not-gonna-happen. Ironic.
So, let me ask you one last time, how often do you feel sorry for yourself?...